Tourniquet
by aydenjett
Summary: Jade never wears white, but made an exception for this very special occasion. She was anticipating the flow of red climbing up her shirt, trying to find its way back to her heart. She smiled, waiting for her end to begin. *Rated M for self-harm.*


**Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own Victorious. And even though Dan Schneider currently hog-tied in my basement, I still don't own it... Also, I do not own the song at the beginning. All rights go to their respectful owners.  
><strong>

**A/N: Hey guys, this is my first fic, so give me a little break. I looked it over and didn't find any mistakes, but I'm not perfect, so I could have missed something. Reviews and (polite) criticism are completely welcome! I hope you enjoy, thanks for reading!**

* * *

><p>She was clutching her broken scissors sitting in her bathtub. She wore the only white things she owned, a ragged tank top and underwear. Jade never wears white, but made an exception for this very special occasion. She was anticipating the flow of red climbing up her shirt, trying to find its way back to her heart. Jade listened to the hollow ding of the bells as the song began. She smiled one last smile, waiting for her end to begin. The guitar riff started to blare out of the stereo and she thought, 'this is it. This is my time.' Jade began hacking horizontal cuts on her right forearm to the rhythm of the guitar.<p>

_"I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more, so much more."_

At hearing the opening lines of the song, Jade mellowed out a bit, stopped hacking with such force. She took a breath and examined her handiwork. Her conclusion was that she was bleeding profusely and that even stitches probably couldn't save the flesh of her right arm. Even through this, she felt very little pain. Only enough to feel alive, which she was beginning to dislike.

_"I lay dying and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal."_

Jade smiled again, a weak, sad smile. She thought of all the regrets she had. She regretted never telling Beck she was sorry. She regretted letting in the one person who could hurt her. She regretted not telling everyone goodbye in person, but she left notes to them all, even Vega. She didn't regret her love though, that was something sacred to her. Cat was the most pure, innocent, beautiful person on the face of the earth, and she didn't deserve to be someones regret. What Jade regretted most was her own betrayal. She had let her mind win over her heart and it hurt so many people other than herself; she wishes she could change it.

_"I'm dying, praying, screaming, and bleeding! Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?"_

It was true. All of it. Jade was dying and she knew it. Even though she wasn't a particularly religious person, she prayed anyway. She didn't know what awaited her after death, but it couldn't be worse than hurting the people she loved. Jade was screaming internally with the pain, both physical and mental. She was bleeding more now, and she liked it, so she took the half-scissor blade and pressed it to her left wrist, ready to make the next cut when the time came.

_"My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation. My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation."_

As soon as she heard the main riff, Jade began the long parallel cut from her wrist to the crease in her elbow. She was praying the whole time, suddenly afraid that this may not have been the best idea. She knew that if God was real and he wanted to save her, he would, so she just wallowed in the pooling blood.

_"Do you remember me? Lost for so long. Will you be on the other side, or will you forget me?"_

She used to be a good Christian. She uses to be a good person. But things change and she was no longer who she thought she was. She became an introvert, then progressed to full on recluse. She forgot what God had done for her and decides that nothing mattered anymore. Not even Calvary.

_"I want to die!"_

She waited till it got to the main riff again, then made another parallel cut, this one deeper than the last. Jade was becoming frustrated that she hadn't died yet. She always planned to be gone by the second chorus.

_"My wounds cry for the grave, my soul cries for deliverance."_

She persevered, watching as her lifeblood seeped from her wounds. Her self inflicted wounds. She waited for death to overtake her. It seemed so very tangible in the air, she could feel it with every one of her senses. Taste the iron blood on her tongue, smell it in the air. She could feel and hear it as her heart feebly pumped the little remaining blood from her body, see the white of her skin and clothes turning to burgundy. By this time, she was sitting in a pool of her own blood. Nothing was left untainted.

_"Will I be denied Christ (tourniquet)? My suicide."_

With all the strength she could muster, she reached up and drew a cross on the side of the wall with a dripping fingertip. Her hand fell, then, and she was finally numb. She waited for the violin to play, to hear that final note of sorrow and she knew her life was over. She embraced the abyss.

Jade saw red. Her sight was taken over by it. 'So I didn't make it to heaven, then' she thought. She had always wondered if suicide kept one from heaven, now she knows. She couldn't feel anything, which was weird since she was in hell. Then the red shifted all of a sudden, dancing in front of her eyelids. 'Are they flames?' She was curious, so she attempted to open her eyes. When she did, nothing was different than if they'd been closed. Red still filled her vision and it was still moving. She began to feel again, hear again. Something was searingly loud around her, she wanted to close off her ears from the noise. Her brain began processing everything slowly. 'Okay, I feel stiff and warm, see red, hear screaming, smell... latex?' Since when was latex a part of hell?  
>She finally realized where she was. The steady screaming was the siren. The latex was from the attendant in the chair next to her. But that red. She couldn't figure out what it was. Until it moved away from her completely. The warmth moved with it and she followed it with her eyes.<p>

"Cat." Jade said, her eyes widening.

"I'm here, Jade. Keep those eyes open for me, okay?"

"Okay." she replied weakly. She'd do it for Cat, but it was getting harder.

"Come on, Jade! Stay with me, here!" Cat screamed in her ear.

"Okay! Okay!" She mumbled back, but her eyes were drooping despite her efforts. Cat lied down next to her again but reached up and literally held her eyes open with her thumb and forefinger.

"Cat, stop it. I'm trying to die here." Jade said with a little sarcasm.

"Oh, no you're not. Not while I'm here. And guess what? I'm not leaving any time soon. So you're living, you got that?" Cat said sternly.

Jade looked into those beautiful brown eyes and saw the determination in them. She also saw fear.

"Why are you afraid?" she asked Cat.

"Because I'm about to lose you." she whispered.

"I'm not afraid. You shouldn't be either. Plus, I lost you a long time ago." she replied, hoarsely.

"If you stay with me, stay alive, then you will not have lost anything...Do you hear me?"

"I hear you, Cat. I'll try, okay? But, I didn't really plan to survive this; that's kinda the point." she let out a small laugh, but it brought out the pain and she sucked in a breath as shot through her.

Cat held her, though, and she felt better. She still couldn't move, but it didn't matter anymore.

"Cat, I'm going to sleep, now. Don't freak out, just wake me if I stop breathing, okay?" she stifled another laugh.

"I'll let you sleep, but don't get any ideas, I'm watching you." she said, pointing a finger at Jade.

"Okay. Night." As soon as her eyes closed, she was once again swallowed by black.

Too soon, it seemed, she was awakened by the bump of the gurney being pulled from the ambulance. Cat was nowhere to be seen, but then again, Jade did have limited vision. The next thing she knew, she was being wheeled through double doors in a rush. The last thing she saw was a sweep of red before she was under the surgeons bright light...

When she woke, Jade saw brightness, and she thought she was still in surgery until she saw that red was in front of her again. Jade turned her head to see Cat sleeping on her left. She smiled at her, but couldn't move to try to wake her up.

"Cat." she whispered. She hated to wake the girl, but she wanted to make the most of the time she was conscious. Cat jolted awake, accidentally knocking Jade's arm into her side. Jade let out a strangled cry as fire licked up and down her arm.

"Oh my God, Jade! I'm so sorry! You scared me!" Cat looked like a deer in the headlights, not knowing how to make it better.

"It's okay, Cat, calm down." Jade sighed. "What happened, Cat?"

"Oh, I bumped into your arm..."

"No, I mean, why didn't I die? I remember losing consciousness, and then the ambulance, but what happened in between.

"Well, you know those letters you gave everyone?" Jade nodded. "You told us not to read them until tomorrow, that it was important not to read them today." She gulped. "And... I got...curious. You know me, I can't not look at something when I'm told not to. I read the letter. I read that you loved me and that it wasn't my fault." Tears were in her eyes now, threatening to release. "You said you wanted to die, to destroy all your memories and regrets. But I wasn't a regret, you said." Tears were flowing freely, now. "I knew I didn't have much time, so I drove to your house. I found that key that you 'hide' under the flower pot outside and let myself in, not waiting for a doorbell. I ran through the house, looked in your room first, then the bathroom." Cat sounded a little out of breath at the memory, and choked up at her next words. "I found you, lying there, covered head to toe, drowning in your own blood. I wasted precious time staring at you, watching you die in front of me. I came to my senses, though, and took a couple pieces of my shirt and made make shift tourniquets." she showed how her sleeves were missing. "Then I called the police and told them that if they didn't get there in literally one minute, then you were going to die." she paused. "Luckily you live so close to a police station. Anyway, I... I threw the CD player into the wall," She shot Jade a guilty smile. "Then they got there and carried you to the ambulance. I got to ride, since I found you. I watched as the attendant replaced the tourniquets with real ones, cleaned your arms off, and heavily bandaged you. I was able to grab some of your clothes on the way out, so he changed you out of those blood soaked ones. I was given a wet rag and told to get the excess blood off everywhere else. I cleaned your neck and face, your upper arms, and lower legs. When I was done, I curled up with you, waiting to hear you flat-line." She finished shakily.

"Then I woke up." Jade said.

"Then you woke up." Cat repeated. Silence reigned between them for a moment, then Jade asked,

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes. So very angry at you. You put me through so much. I cannot believe that you actually thought no one would care if you died. We all would, especially me. I'm angry that I had to be the one to find you. I'm angry because it's my fault. I'm angry because I wasn't enough to keep you wanting to live." She finished, getting up and standing on the other side of the small room.

"Come back." Jade whispered, reaching out for her. As she did, she saw the extent of the damage for the first time. Cat saw Jade's eyes go wide.

"You see? You see what you did? You'll never be the same, Jade." Cat said harshly. "You know why you couldn't feel that? It's because you cut your nerve endings in your left arm to the point of no return."

"I'll never be able to feel again?" Jade asked, shocked.

"No. You'll never be able to feel it. If touch you, hold your hand, you wouldn't know it." Cat said in despair.

Jade's heart became heavy. 'I guess there are consequences for everything.' she thought. She sighed.

"Do you wish I hadn't saved you?" Cat asked, walking back over to the hospital bed and picking up Jade's unfeeling hand.

"It will be much harder, now, but for some reason I am relieved that I don't have to face God yet." Jade said truthfully.

"He loves you, you know."

"Who does?"

"God, silly. He really does love you. And so do I."

"I.. I can never figure out why." Jade stuttered out. "I'm an awful person, no one even likes me, let alone loves me."

"I love you because you're real. Not like me. I'm an actress. If something's wrong with me, no one can ever tell, I'm always acting. But you, you are real. If you're hurting, we all know it. Now helping your hurt, that's a different story, but at least I know when to be there for you." Cat said, squeezing Jade's hand even though she knew she couldn't feel it.

"Cat, I'm so tired..." Jade said, yawning.

Cat giggled. "Go to sleep then, silly."

"But, you won't be here when I wake up again. My luck has to have run out by now..." she said trailing off.

"I'll be here, okay?" Cat urged. "I promise."

"Really? Thank you, for everything, Cat. You're a beautiful being and you have a beautiful soul." she said eyelids drooping.

"Thanks, Jade, but your medicine is making you loopy, so go to sleep." she half ordered, half laughed.

"Mmkay..." Jade said lazily.

"And you are so lucky, never forget that. You were lucky that you didn't feel the physical pain of cutting, that I found you in time, that I had a rippable shirt, that I know how to tie tourniquets, that you live one minute from a police station, that you didn't have to wait for surgery, that they were able to save your left arm from amputation, that you can still feel in that arm, that you have the blood type that takes all other types, that transfers were ready and waiting for you, that you aren't in the psych ward, that you have a window in this room, that your mom and dad brought you flowers, that the gang has come to see you, that you're still alive." Cat finished her rant softly, looking down at Jade whose eyes were closed. She brought up both of Jade's bandaged forearms and kissed them all the way to the elbow, then placed a feather light kiss on her forehead.

"You forgot one thing." Jade whispered.

"What's that?" she asked.

"I have you."

"Yes," Cat said, leaning down and kissing her sweetly on the lips. "Yes, you do." When she looked at her again, Jade was snoring softly, blissfully unaware.

~El Fin

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hello again! How was it? Was it good? Was it bad? Did it give you a sour taste in your mouth and made you want to throw up? If so, then good, because that's what I was aiming for... Well, not really, but I'll take it. I'll take just about anything right now... but reviews would keep me alive, I think... So... review! Do it! Thanksha :)**

**p.s. I have never been in an ambulance, nor in the hospital for severe self-inflicted wounds, neither do I know the exact physical repercussions of those wounds. So, all of that was improvised. I think I made it pretty realistic, if I do say so myself. If I've gotten anything horribly or completely wrong, let me know by *reviewing* and I'll change it right away!  
><strong>

**Oh, and if anyone was curious, the song that this fic is written for is "Tourniquet" by Evanescence.**


End file.
